Survivor Poem – Death of a Women

 

If you have known me then,

Known me before the anger set in,

Before I became bitter and critical

From disappointment. 

 

If you had known me then,

Eight months pregnant with

Tomorrows not yet forgotten dreams,

Full of wonder and promise.

If you had known me then,

Before the harsh realities

Of life broke my spirit.

If only you had known me then,

Known me, before I died.

 

I died from being put down by

Un-evolved women pretending to be friends 

I died from pretending that the life I was living

Was a Hallmark moment and not a nightmare. 

 

I died from sacrificing myself,

My body, everything,

When all I really wanted

Was to go to Art School. 

 

I died from hiding my true feelings

Until they became hard

And invaded my body as angry ulcers

 

I died of an overdose

of other people clinging to me

when I didn’t even have energy for myself. 

I died from loving people who

Where unable to love themselves,  

So were unable to love me also. 

 

I died from being abused as a child

And that memory following me

every day of my life,

exchanging humiliation for guilt

and then back again. 

 

I died from being beaten

By someone who said he loved me,

And I allowed him to beat me

To prove I loved him back. 

I died of asphyxiation;

Coughing up blood from secrets,

I kept trying to keep buried.

And finally, I died cos the buck

Always stopped at my feet,

And there was no one I could dump on

 

I died of aloneness in a maternity ward,

Giving birth to my son,

And then I died of loneliness

At his graveside when I buried him.

I died from being too much

For the men I wanted,

And not enough for the man I loved.

 

And in the end,

I just died,

Not for a reason,

And not for a cause,

I just got tired of fighting,

 

So I gave up and I died.

 

If you had known me then,

You may have been able to rescue me.

If you had known me then,

I would have taught you,

That there is an art to being here in this world,

An art that can be mastered,

If we can learn to love,

Honour and respect ourselves,

By simply living,

Feeling,

And being…

 

…..Alive

I know, I said I had died

but this was just how I felt inside

I wanted you to know this

not because I am sad or hurting

but because I have grown

I am no longer that frightened little girl

that let you break me

that you made feel like nothing.

 

I am strong

I am beautiful

and I am free

I am forever and always

In Love With Me!

By Naz – inspired by local survivors.